Sometimes, some nights, when she’s on the road… she makes me feel guilty just for being out here, just for having feelings for her, which somehow makes her feel guilty… Because she knows that she doesn’t really want to talk to me and however it manifests itself, whether she just doesn’t call me or whether she calls me but wants to hang up right away because she didn’t want to call me in the first place, I’m going to be disappointed.
So everything just goes sour. I apologize without being able to explain why. She gets upset because my apologizing makes her feel guilty. Then I feel guilty and want to apologize more. Then we hang up and everything is fucking off and dark and sad.
I wish things were different. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I am out here. And as much as I try not to be, I am disappointed. What can I do? Care less? Strive to be apathetic? I mean, at least I’m not angry or distraught.
I know she doesn’t really wish I didn’t exist, not really… just for a night some nights, like tonight, when it’s too much responsibility to be in a relationship with someone and have them care. But it still sucks, when it happens, for both of us. And the worst thing is that… just for a night some nights… it almost feels like something dangerous has been exposed.
And that’s really scary. I hope we can outgrow it.