Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

bile  §

To whomever is reading this, anytime, anywhere: you are wasting your life. It doesn’t matter who you are or what age you are, you will be dead. Soon.

– No amount of money will buy your way back to life or make death less final.
– There will be no miraculous medical breakthrough “before then” that extends human life.
– No god will save you and no afterlife awaits you.
– Even fewer people will remember you after death than are aware of you now.
– Your children will seek to augment their own legacy and name, not yours.
– Every place and thing you’ve ever set eyes on will be gone shortly after you are.

There is not enough room on a thousand websites for all the people I resent and the things I resent them for, nor is there any way to explain how deeply disconnected and destroyed I have always felt, since I was very young. Nothing in my life has ever been anything but hurt, and I am tired of it. The most liberating thing I can imagine is to finally one day post all of the things I always wanted to say to all of the people who think they’ve cared, but that I never could because I was too busy trying to be mature and trying not to alienate them for fear of being alone.

It’s another one of life’s dirty tricks: you can’t avoid being alone simply by repressing your resentment of the people whose caring you can’t feel. If everyone around you makes you hurt all the time, then you’re alone anyway, and what’s more, in a self-made prison. Better to say what you think and be physically alone as well, thereby avoiding the discomfort of always living a lie.

Only sadly, I don’t yet have the intestines for it. But maybe soon.

Mom and Dad: You always cared more about your dogmas and your gods and your other family members than you cared about me, and as a result, you didn’t prepare me for the world, sent me into it as your caricature, your effigy, a sacrifice to your beliefs. You destroyed me first.

Jennie: Strangely, I may resent you least, because you were too stupid and too small to be anything more than you were. Like I fool, I tried to make you into something worthwhile, and I resent only that you let me try for so long, then sent me away without any thanks.

Lydia: You are a selfish b!tch. There is no redeeming quality about you. You exist only to act selfishly. Even when you engage in what appear to be unselfish acts, your motives are entirely selfish. You seek to redeem your worthless, hideous, narcissistic self by exploiting others, and worse, by exploiting those most in need. You disgust me.

Jolinda: You are the same as Lydia.

Carlos: You commit the same sin as Jennie.

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