surreal for me, of becoming something altogether other than what it ought to be, not as a matter of content, but as a matter of form. Again and again I have fallen into a metaphysical trap, not into rapid time or empty time or wasted time, yet out of linear time but not into cyclical time in its stead. Rather, I once again appear trapped in a kind of quantum time, in which there is no progression, no movement, no narrative, no geography of the temporal, but rather a number of discrete states, like the orbitals of electrons around nuclei, amongst which I shift unpredictably in a life that consists entirely of several distinct, frozen, instantaneous-eternal states.
This, the “home night” is one of them. That, the “classroom” is another. “Walking the dog” is the third. “Wife just got home but we’re still awake” is fourth. Finally, there is “wife hasn’t gone yet, ambient anticipation is intense.”
Five states, each of which consists not of a timeline but of a frozen moment, an eternal moment, apparently unshifting, seemingly unchanging until the sudden deterministic transmutation to another state. They are not successive states; there is no “yesterday’s home night” versus “today’s home night.”
There is only one home night, and this is it, a state to which I return again and again.
I have become, once more, the intellectual puzzle, the subjective singularity—the self as finite state machine.
When one has become trapped in quantum time, has fallen into this strange mesh of the macroscopic and the subatomic and the temporal, all progress or change becomes transcendental.
I am not in a metaphysical prison per se, more like a metaphysical möbius surface, bounded and unbounded, infinite and cramped at once, with no clear method for orientation, or thus, for escape.
Most strange when I fall into this universe is the sense, always present, that neither my mind or my body are my own any longer. Instead, they belong to the causal nexus, as do I. Consciousness gives way to algorithm, freedom to uncaught, unexcepted race condition.
At times like this I wonder if I am entirely sane, or if other people ever find themselves here, wherever I am now.