This morning I've killed the RSS feeder that was taking all of my posts here and automatically posting them on Facebook as well. The reason for this is simple: after I implemented automatic Facebook distribution, my posting dropped off precipitously. The knowledge that I was also posting to Facebook became a kind of filter; I was suddenly beset with an awareness of my audience and it influenced both the things I wrote and the frequency with which I wrote them.
Basically, I miss blogging, and turns out that I need to do it more or less anonymously. I suspect this is because blogging my own little corner of the world (if you can even call it blogging) basically takes the place of a personal diary and of daily free writing for me. Both of these things are sorely needed in my life, and since the Facebook connection (and related slowdown in posting), I've struggled to reimplement them in other ways. It hasn't worked.
With fatherhood now in full swing, I need a place to write more than ever before. I am keeping a "baby diary" of sorts, a place where I write to my little one, but I without my blog space I have no place in which to write about my little one and my experiences with her, or more simply about my state of mind. Writing has always helped me to cope with my state of mind; this place has been a dialogue first and foremost with myself since 1999, and I need it to be that once again.
I'm actually struggling as a father to get myself to do real work right now, or to think reflexively at all. Every bit of my attention is directed much more simply toward the prospect of interacting with my daughter. Only now as a father do I understand just how much is aligned against fathers in our political economic system. I don't get family leave of any kind and am expected to be working again full time more or less immediately after birth. The result is a kind of dogged hypnosis that carries one along haplessly. There is no waking up, no coming to attention; these things entail risk—the risk of realizing just how alienat…