I know why I don’t ask questions in conversation that open paths for further discussion, but rather shut it down.
Because when the people I want to be closest to close themselves off in response and don’t answer—when the answer is an emotional wall—it kills me.
So best to take what I can get and accept it (“that’s great”) rather than ask a question that’s hoping for a ten-paragraph answer and get a one-word answer with the smell of finality about it instead.
It’s another defense mechanism. It comes out when I know they won’t share themselves with me anyway, generally because they have repeatedly said no already, which I can’t argue with, and each time, I have had a river to drink afterward. And at some point, you have to be kind to yourself and stop beating your head against the rather innocent pavement, which is only being what it is.
There are some defense mechanisms you can’t let go of. They’re there because you actually do need to be defended in order to be okay. Because you need to exercise some self care and stop trying to be close if other people just want to be farther away.
— § —
But is it really me, these feelings, or is it a momentary “cognitive distortion?”
Will the real me please stand up?
And is the real me sustainable in all of this?
Is she going to “lose me” after all? I hope not. I wish things were easier. I wish I was the person that she needed right now.
But I need to stay the person that I need me to be. That’s the long and short of it.