So I am sitting here just after midnight writing a post.
The thrust of the post is to be this: I am not productive right now.
This is a terrible, terrible thing. By the time 10:00 am arrives every day, I already feel as though the day is over, as though the rest of the day is spoken for, hour-by-hour, and any freedom that I had to innovate or to act or to produce or to deviate from habit is gone. My days are over almost literally before they have begun, and the course of each day bears this terrible premonition out; starting well before noon, I begin to race to hit each necessary benchmark and, just managing to hit each one along the way, I stumble at the end of the day into evening, exhausted, with a full complement of evening tasks and events ahead of me.
My life is “full” but not in a healthy way, at least not for my self, my identity, or my future. Because very little that I care about is getting done. One thing is—there is repair work being done in my family life, and this is good, very, very good.
But a self needs to exist in order to exist, if I can frame things in such a stupidly tautological way. Right now I have no self. There is no space for a self. Between work, kids, wife, house, and recuperation, there is nothing left. No moments, and no energy.
And yet I am not ready to die. I am not ready for this to be the person that I am to be at the end of the day.
I am off the path. For so long, I felt as though I were on the path, as though I were “getting there” and what remained ahead was hard work. Now, I cannot see a path to where I want to go. I’m not even sure where I want to go, and I can’t see a path to getting to knowledge of where I want to go so that I can begin to look for the path that will take me there.
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It is easy to say that this is a psychological problem, something that requires a therapist or a change in attitude or perspective, but it is also a time management problem. There simply aren’t enough minutes in the day to do the things that are already outlined, and none of them are things that I either:
a) Can change, or
b) Want to change
Asked what I would cut, my answer is “nothing, I have already cut back to the bare minimum in every facet of my life and already critical plates feel as though they will stop spinning and crash.”
How is it possible for life to be so overwhelmingly full with just work, kids, wife, house, and recuperation that none of them are getting the attention that they deserve and there is no time for anything else left?
I mean, none of these things can be cut. None of them!
— § —
I feel tremendously helpless or, put another way, in serious need of help (that is not, as of yet, forthcoming).
I hate the feeling that I am standing by and waiting for something to change or for something to give or for something to get better of its own account. I have been around long enough to know that this will not happen; nothing changes unless you change it.
The problem is that I have absolutely no idea what to change. I am at a loss.
And so, without meaning to, day by day I wait. Which is to say, I keep spinning the plates and trying to keep up with doing my stuff and trying to hit every benchmark of the day, evening, and night while also managing to stay alive and to stay healthy, and meanwhile I am watching life pass me by.
This is what it feels like.
Watching life pass me by.
It is not a good feeling.