It’s been weeks since I’ve posted anything.
In general, I haven’t been posting a lot in recent months. There’s a reason for this. As time passes, I realize that these days I often hesitate to post if things aren’t going well.
There are always things in life that you can’t really talk about—that just aren’t things you can expect people to make conversation with. We live in a culture in which, despite all claims to the contrary, it’s not socially acceptable to traffic in sob stories.
People only say in the abstract that they’d like others to reach out to them, to talk about problems and sadnesses. In practice, as we all know, but no one can say, it borders on rude to say anything other than “Well, thanks!” in answer to the question “How are you?”
— § —
Full disclosure, I’m not sure I’m well. It’s been a trying few months, to say the least, and I can’t honestly say that things seem to be getting better.
I can’t honestly say that there are too many areas of life in which I don’t feel fairly backed into a corner.
I’m not keeping up. I’m certainly not getting ahead. I don’t entirely feel up to the job, and I’m not entirely certain I’m durable enough to do it, all things said and done.
I’m not optimistic about the future and I’m not sure what I am hoping for. That’s a dangerous position to be in.
— § —
The worst situation in life is the one in which you’re just barely hanging on.
Because when that’s the case, obviously things are not adaptive. Yet in the absence of actual failure or catastrophe, it’s hard to justify significant change—to yourself, much less to others—so you aren’t likely to do anything differently.
Yet at the same time, it’s clear once you’ve been hanging on for a while that you’re also not going to make any ground.
You’re not going to win, and you’re not going to change anything. Bad news. At least in the face of catastrophe you have no choice but to change.
“Hanging on” is a state of affairs that can go on indefinitely. For me, it’s been a good twenty years.
— § —
I need changes, but I don’t know how to make them.
I need a simpler life, but every time I try to achieve one, it seems to get more complicated.
I’m worried that I don’t see a lot of green ahead. I’m perpetually worried about what’s to come.
Still hanging on.