Sometimes late at night sitting here in the dark I come face to face with the fact that one reason I don’t think about the past very much, and in fact try to forget it altogether, is that I don’t have a lot of good memories that don’t directly lead to bad outcomes.
How many decades has it been since I had a good memory that didn’t culminate in a catastrophic outcome?
I can’t think about it too long. It takes me into the depths. Have to keep moving forward. But I have to also figure out what I’m doing wrong—why I tend toward debt, divorce, and damage at the end of everything.
Ex-wife used to say it’s because I was a born loser. I don’t know if I buy that. But there may be a hint of truth under there somewhere about the way that I make life decisions.
I started out with infinite confidence. Everything since 2015 has continued to batter it. Down on confidence? You bet. But I have skills. I use them every day. I can’t figure it out.