First paper of the semester out of the way. ‘Twas for English 5950 and was an examination of the way in which Schiller’s unity of sense and form in play is analagous to reconciliation between infancy and death in the adult human. I can prove anything to be true, not matter how much utter shit it is. That is the skill I have learned in college.

I have begun collecting artifacts from the former USSR. It makes me sad in a very strange way to realize that there will never be a USSR again — I grew up with it, and for me the world is still strange without it. My first piece is a Soviet war medal — Order of the Red Star. Beautiful. I want a few more, and a flag, and a lovely vodka flask with a hammer and sickle. Maybe I’ll even keep vodka in it? I don’t know. What good is vodka when it wasn’t made in the USSR?

Got some new CDs coming. Suzanne Vega, Luscious Jackson… Also a couple of Public Enemy CDs on the way. I grew up with this stuff… I couldn’t wait any longer so I got on (ahem)ster today and downloaded 911 Is a Joke from Fear of a Black Planet. Too much fun. Too much. I was completely groovin’, knocking things over and spraining all kinds of things (hey, I’m an old man now)… until I had to start my paper.

I’m done now, though. Flavor Flav, here I come…

Well, contracts and all of that stuff is more or less out of the way; I have started working on the book in earnest. The schedule is very tight — delivery date is before the end of the year! Aiya!

Paper due Friday as well in English 5950. Potolsky. He asks a lot, but one sure learns a hell of a lot in his classes as well. I think also I’m making a better accounting of myself this time — last time I had his class (in spring), I’d just been dumped and I performed somewhat badly.

I just heard “In My Life” by the Beatles for the first time in a very long time… And… well… ’nuff said.

I have always wanted to be completely open in this Web-diary, but some things are better left unsaid, as painful as it is for me to realize. Today was… one of the most difficult ever in my life and probably will remain quite high on that list forever.

Nothing is ever crystal clear; good and bad can sometimes mix in ways that make sound judgment impossible and incredible sadness then becomes both friend and enemy.

I am guilty, but I don’t know how to change the way, or perhaps it cannot be changed at all. In the ecstasy of confused emotions that occupies me now, I can easily say that I am the reason for fall’s beginning and I will be the reason for winter’s coming. I am in desperate need of a hand-holder.

For those I know who are in such a position… please light a candle for me if you think of it. I could use the help.

Car fixed. $250 or so — backed up cat. Did an aftermarket deal (sorry, Volvo) so that I wouldn’t have to sell my soul for a fast car once again.

Bad things are brewing. I’m not sure whether to mention it here or not. The next few days could be interesting… and I mean this in the most unfortunate way. I am afraid of what may soon occur.

LIFE SUCKS.

I just got called by the State of Utah about taxes. They’re preparing to place a lein against the (relatively few) posessions that I have. Of course, I can’t help them out because I’m already totally maxed by my monthly federal payments toward the much larger IRS bill.

To make matters worse, they STILL didn’t figure out (after I’ve notified them once per year) that my business is CLOSED (as of 1995) and that I have NOT been collecting sales tax from ongoing business sales, so they’ve prepared a lovely little Utah State Sales Tax estimated business taxes owed number for me as well.

Plus, I just heard from the mechanic. Nothing much is wrong with my car; a new catalytic converter is what it needs. Now, if I’d been smart and bought a smallish Volkswagen Rabbit, that particular chunk of the exhaust system would only cost me $100 or so. But because I bought a Volvo, I’m going to have to pay $900 plus labor to have the damn thing stuck on, or risk going to an aftermarket shop like Midas and having them hack away at my car.

AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ULCER?! (you’re asking)

Well, I feel like shit.

At the hospital a couple of days ago, they had me mainlining narcotics, and that felt pretty good actually, but now I’m supposed to be taking this other drug that is beating me down — I have the most incredible headache, light sensitivity, dizziness and the whole bit. How the hell am I supposed to go to school AND handle all of these God damn problems like this?

But what really pisses me off is that I can’t call and talk to anybody about the medication. The doctor won’t talk. The nurses won’t talk. Even the pharmacist won’t talk. They all want me to come back into the hospital and pay loads and loads more cash so that they can do absolutely nothing and spend a total of 30 seconds writing out a different prescription. Bollocks. I can’t afford it anyway. I’ll just cut the pills and see if I die. Carpe diem!

Any doctor that won’t even talk to you on the phone isn’t worth much.

Meanwhile… Thanks, Carlos for sending me that stuff. It’s pretty damn nifty, and the only good news I’ve had in a while.

I spent half of the day in the hospital after waking up to a lot of pain in my torso. I got all hooked up to bottles and monitors and machines and everything. Doc thinks I have an ulcer from too much coffee and too many late nights with books. Lovely.

Will be seeing a specialist this week.

I guess this means I have to stop having 24 oz. of coffee at 7:00 AM, 24 oz. of coffee at 11:00 AM, 24 oz. of coffee at 3:00 PM, and breakfast at 6:00 PM. This throws off my entire study thing.

How will I live without coffee?

Goddard says: Out of sight, out of mind.

Aron says: FUCK.

This page is stalled again for a moment. Bastard.

I am behind in school. Bastard.

I bought myself a coffemaker. I like the coffee, but I keep having to wash it after a drip-slash-brew. Bastard.

Tomorrow, I will watch four films!? Apparently so. I also have a lot of reading and homework to do. I don’t want to do it. I don’t, dammit! I’m throwing a TANTRUM. A TANTRUM.

Shit. I forgot to send the box to Carlos. Will send it tomorrow? May not have time. Bastard.

One more sub-page created. This thing is gradually taking shape.

I’m a little depressed. For some reason, I’m more isolated at school this semester. It’s a kind of circumstantial serendipity, you know? I’m not the sort that gets along with everyone equally well — I’m just not. So sometimes, people who I can be comfortable with are coming out of the woordwork at me. At other times, nobody I can stand is anywhere nearby. Why is this?

My car still isn’t running. I think that I’ve got some kind of backpressure in the exhaust… But I’m no mechanic. What the hell do I know? Anyway, got a check now so maybe soon I can drive again. Paychecks are getting smaller, though. Shit.

In two days, I’ve learned that one friend and one close relative, both of them very important to me, have recently ended long term relationships. It’s really very sad. Obviously, 1999/2000 is not the right moment in time for futures to be won.

I need a drink.