Reliance on technology can make you sloppy. I just took a basic spelling and editing test, which I should have aced. I’m so used to having dictionaries other proofing tools right at my fingertips, though, that I second-guessed myself I couple of times. I can think of at least two mistakes already.

D’oh.

I need to keep my skills honed and let go of the information age just a little bit.

…in a house full of trinkets is a white porcelain gargoyle that almost looks more like a winged bulldog. It holds paperclips, even though it was intended for soap. It’s worth like four dollars, if that. If I were to crush it to bits and spread the remains across the floor, my entire life would be turned upside down by tomorrow.

No, strangely enough, it’s not a metaphor or even a fairy tale. Just one of those little things you realize on a Monday that shows you where you are in the world — like mailmen, street signs, and giant yellow Hummers.

—

Maybe I am a Buddhist. I don’t know.

—

I have this temptation to run out and buy some kind of veat, for no reason in particular, and in spite of the fact that I have to be out of here for job stuff in not-too-long. It’s all part of and parcel to the exciting life I lead.

—

So many people hate blogs. That’s almost why I keep one. Well, not really… but I wish those people thought it was the reason.

So I was listneing to the local conservative talk radio system (always do, Lao Tzu, etc.) and what do I hear but a bona-fide progressive on the air?! Apparently a molecular biologist or some such?! What the hell?! I guess the radio station that plays Rush, Hannity, and Dr. Laura actually does have a little balance after all.

Okay, so they’re on on Sunday, and I’m not positive the guy is always a progressive (maybe I just got him on a good day, advocating for the separation of church and state and for the idiocy of the administration’s policies on birth control+abortion+death penalty+stem cell research), but wow, I’m floored. I almost couldn’t listen, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Job stuff tomorrow. I’m mentally keyed already.

—

Coffee shops in this town fill to the fucking brim on Sundays. I don’t know what that’s all about, but it makes it damn hard to get any work done if you rely on them for your Internet connection.

– I need ‘net access all the time, not just at coffee shops.
– I need to shoot more photos and travel aimlessly (rather than directedly) more often.
– I need to score a wok and a sushi kit.
– I need to score my own place, where I don’t have to worry about breaking or spilling.
– I need to drink less.
– I need to get my car back at 100%.
– I need to get music going on again. Better speakers!
– I need to get some joy in my bank account.
– I need to get writing/editing again.
– I need to watch more PBS and more documentaries.
– I need to get active in my party.

Mind your own business, you stupid fucking Californians. One would think you’ve been trapped in a bubble all your lives.

—

Apparently everyone in the city goes to Starbucks at 11.00 on a Saturday morning. I can’t hear myself think. The line is stretching out the door. Some father-daughter couple is sitting next to me complaining about the way Bush is being treated. They make it sound like he’s on the cross.

—

They play the same damn music over and over in the Starbucks. They’ve been playing this same CD all day every day since I first arrived in October. Or was it November? I forget. The point is:

CHANGE THE DAMN CD.

The fact that Bush + Tory Blair somehow failed to see or understand that this would happen should be shocking to everyone. It’s very simple:

1. “Democracy,” if done right, means plurality rule.
2. The majority (not just the plurality) in Iraq is Irsael-unfriendly and Iran-friendly (Shia).
3. A truly fair electon in Iraq = bad for Israel, good for Iran (of the Axis of Evil).
4. But the neocons lose their right to complain, because now it’s The Will of The People.

So there are two choices:

1. Hold a fair, legit election and weaken your international position inestimably by creating an Israel-unfriendly, Iran-friendly theocracy that will be hostile to you for decades to come (oops).
2. Hold an unfair electon and weaken your international position inestimably by making claims about democracy while thuggishly oppressing the will of the people (oops).

Duh, kids. Duh. Welcome to what everyone warned you about. Half of the country has been making this calculation correctly since well before the invasion. Of course, there is a third choice, which is to hold no elections and simply occupy indefinitely until you’re sure you’ve won the “hearts and minds” and they’ll vote your way — more or less what we tried to do in Vietnam. But then, of course, as was the case in Vietnam, we won’t win hearts and minds because too many hearts and minds will be getting blown up in the process, and we’ll wind up fighting everyone in Iraq. And so we’ll eventually pull a Vietnam and pull out anyway after loosing however many thousand soldiers and killing however many civilians and voilá, after it all we’ll still have nothing but a US-unfriendly theocracy to show for it.

Bush, you fucked up. So did your entire team. A first year political science student could have navigated this one better than your team did. Congratulations, you’ve made the world a worse place.

—

If I’m wrong, I’ll be the first to admit it. But let’s watch and see what happens.

It’s a reflecting-day. I always forget about my collections of notes and thoughts. That’s why I have to keep a PDA. Because my soul’s in there somewhere, like other people have in diaries.

There are a lot of choices and choosings in the air. I have had a good day today. A nice day. Things have happened, and people have made me feel respected, and I have again felt a great deal of respect for myself. I feel a little more open, a little less trapped, a little less trampled. I spoke to my sisters, who are all capable of making my day. I got some voice mail from friends. I realized that even though things have been in a low place, they’re looking up.

Way up.

Once again today, I realize that I’m larger than any context that tries to hold me. I feel as though I can’t help but succeed, in spite of myself and everything else, and regardless of what others try to think or expect about me. The next decade is going to be amazing for me. Just amazing. And at the end of it all, I’ll have something lovely and warming to look back on.

Life, in spite of everything, is pretty damn good.

Nobody has enough self-love to accept other peoples’ hate forever.

—

Maybe my whole life is on the wrong track. Maybe what I need is wilderness and solitude. Maybe I should be a tour guide or a courier or a forest ranger. Maybe the world is just not made for me, or I am not made for the world. I know. You don’t care what the hell I do. You don’t have any empathy for my soul-searching. I’m a male. I’m basically white. “Cry me a river.” I don’t get to have feelings or hopes or doubts. Nobody has to feel sorry for me. I have it made, I rule the world, I oppress everyone else. If I’m not happy and successful, nobody’s going to go out of their way to help me.

So, everyone who thinks I should stop whining and be just go and happy and successful: if I do, and I know that can (pretty easily, in fact, I sometimes think), will you then bitch about me being a part of the problem when I’m sitting amidst all of my wealth ordering people around and consuming conspicuously? If you won’t make room for people like me at the bottom, then you’d better shut up when I’m looking down at you from the top.

—

People go where they’re wanted.

Going back and reading old web diaries is a strange and powerful experience. I’ve written during some of the most tense or most important moments of my life. I hope I never stop keeping this thing, it tells me who I am.

It’s been busy. The place picks up on weekends. It’s crowded and crazy.

—

Today I’m dying to be done with this assignment. Tomorrow I’ll be sitting around going crazy for lack of one. I have to fix my life.

—

Have I been blacklisted? Or is it just time for a new email account? I am beginning to wonder if everyone is filtering as SPAM everything that doesn’t come from yahoo, gmail, or hotmail. I just tried to send a message to my phone. Nothing. A whole bunch of emails sent to people that I’d at least expect a professional response from. Nothing.

I know that some of my emails are going to peoples’ junk folders. But maybe the majority of them are going to peoples’ junk folders. That would explain something about the difficulty of my job search and the lack of contact from nearly anyone at all.

Whatever happened to

– my creative writing life
– my creative life, period
– my love of reading social theory
– my love of video games
– my love of film and essays about film
– my personal diary, which I kept for years on PDAs
– my calling in the desert
– the overabundance of freelance work I used to get
– the friends and co-workers I used to have
– the good old days
– my twenties
– 2004

—

Do I feel free, or at least deliberate? If not, why not, and how can I fix it?

—

This city is exactly like Salt Lake City, only with trees instead of tall buildings, sun instead of snow, and Californians instead of Mormons. But otherwise, it’s the same.

Why don’t businesses leave messages when they call you?

Someone has been trying to reach me all week, but I can’t answer my personal phone while I’m working. They have caller ID blocked, so I don’t know where to return a call, and they never leave a message. This is like the fifth time. I assume they don’t call me evenings and my phone doesn’t work evenings anyway (it gets no signal in that part of Santa Barbara).

Hopefully they manage to call while I’m on lunch today.

i
am going
to fall
aslee
p

It’s two hours into my work morning and I have just produced a draft of my dissertation proposal. I feel good. Very, very good. Woo.

Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo

hoo.

Larger city needed. Even Salt Lake City would feel nice, for a day or two, though I don’t think I could stomach it much longer than that.

—

My dissertation ideas are getting clearer and clearer. I feel good. Very good. I’m excited.